Monday, May 12, 2003

Jim Sharpe @ KTAR: Oh boy, it’s so important in my job, sometimes I just don’t say it right the first time. It’s 8:45a.m. news radio 620 KTAR. But then we’re hoping we can help you do that—say it right the first time. That’s the name of the book “Say It Right The First Time” by Dr. Loretta Malandro who lives here in the valley and moved to the valley to teach at ASU. She now heads up Malandro Communication Incorporated in Scottsdale and she is known as "The Word Doctor”.
Word Doctor thanks for being with us.

Loretta: Thanks Jim, I'm happy to be here.

Jim @ KTAR: I think when people think of communication, the toughest part is dealing with conflict. A lot of people just turn and run from any kind of conflict. Is that the best way to deal with conflict, just avoid it?

Loretta: No, because when you avoid conflict the problem always resurfaces again. What we need is a way to deal with conflict effectively.

Jim @ KTAR: How do you deal with conflict—do you just hit it head on?

Loretta: You don’t want to engage in battle when there is a conflict; you want to get people to talk. When someone is upset there are three little word you need to say and it’s not “I love you” or “you’re the best”—its “talk to me”.

Jim @ KTAR: Talk to me.

Loretta: Yes—if you say “talk to me”, you'll get the other person to tell you what’s really bothering them. And usually the “problem” they stated in the beginning is not the same one they end up with after they talk out loud with you.

Jim @ KTAR: People really want to be heard, don’t they?

Loretta: Absolutely, people want to be heard and once you listen to them you can turn anything around—even a tough situation can be turned into something positive if you know how to listen and then say it right.

Jim @ KTAR: So in order to be a good speaker you need to be a good listener.

Loretta: Yes, you have to be a good listener, but you also need to know what to say and how to say it. It’s not enough just to listen—you need to know how to prompt people, ask the right questions, and uncover the real problem. When people give you a laundry list of what’s bothering them—you know you are dealing with symptoms and not the real issue.

Jim: Alright now here’s a question—let’s say someone says something that is flat out not true. Like I got this haircut because I think it makes me look younger and they are 50 and actually this haircut makes them look 70. Or they ask “do these pants make me look fat”—that’s always a tough one to answer. Is honesty always the best policy?

Loretta: No it’s not—not in the way we use the word “honesty”. What we call honesty is actually “communication dumping” where we give our opinion. Most people will not respond well if you say, “those pants look ridiculous on you”. There’s an important communication principle here which is “Communication is symbolic, not literal”. When somebody asks, “Do I look fat?” You have to first ask yourself “what is it that they are really asking”?

Jim @ KTAR: What are they asking?

Loretta: They may be asking for your support to make sure they still look good to you. What you can say is – “You always look great to me but it seems like something’s bothering you. What is it?”. Then get them to tell you what’s bothering them rather than you “giving your opinion”. Just because someone asks for your opinion doesn't’t mean they want it. So if you say, “You know, you do look fat in those pants”, you may find yourself in hot water.

Jim @ KTAR: Oops

Loretta: (Laughing)

Jim @ KTAR: Don’t do that one, trust me. Honesty with the boss, is that super important or do you always want to tell the boss what they want to hear?

Loretta: What you want to do is respond to the question your boss is really asking. Remember—don’t take communication literally. So if your boss asks– “what’s your opinion on how the meeting went”, what do you say?. If you have a good relationship with your boss and you know that he or she wants your honest feedback, then tell them. Tell them exactly what’s on your mind. However, if your boss really wants support or positive feedback then say something like, “The meeting went well given the circumstances, but tell me how did you feel about it?” By asking your boss this question you can gain more information about what he or she really wants. Respond to what people want, not what they ask.

Jim @ KTAR: What’s the biggest mistake people make in communicating at work?

Loretta: At work the biggest mistake people make is forgetting that “A Qualified YES is always a NO”. What this means is every time we hear the phrase, “yes, but” – or “yes, maybe”…we treat it as an unconditional yes when it’s not unconditional at all. When “yes” has a qualifier—any qualifier—it’s a “no” in disguise. If you treat it as anything else it will lead to unmet expectations that result in disappointment. People are disappointed when they don’t get the raise or promotion they thought they would get. But they never had an unconditional “yes” from their boss to begin with—what they had was a qualified “yes”, a “no” in disguise.

Jim @ KTAR: Do we need to be careful about using the word “yes”?

Loretta: Yes, we do. Instead of making casual promises such as “I'll give you a call” or “yes, I’d love to have lunch”, don’t commit at all. We think a qualified “yes” is a polite way of saying “no”. But it’s not polite at all, because everyone knows we mean “no”.

Jim @ KTAR: Very interesting and the biggest mistake people make in communicating in personal relationships?

Loretta: In personal relationships the biggest mistake is thinking what they said is what they meant. We hear the phrases “I love you” or “I want to see you again” or “Let’s get together” and we believe them. Especially in personal relationships, people have difficulty expressing what they really feel. You have to be careful not to fall into the trap of thinking that the meaning is in words. Meaning is in people—not words, a dictionary will not help you. When someone says, “I love you” they may mean they love you as a person or as a friend, not in a romantic way. We treat words as having a dictionary meaning when they do not—people have private meanings for the words they use and you have to find out what they are.

Jim @ KTAR: All right then. By the way "The Word Doctor” who has just joined us here, Dr. Loretta Malandro, is Barnes and Nobles “author of the month”. She is going to be doing a Book Signing and Mini-Seminars at Barnes & Noble Saturday, at Shea and Pima—she'll be there from 1pm to 3pm and then at the Chandler location on Saturday, May 24th from 2pm to 4pm, and we thank "The Word Doctor” for joining us this morning.